Dove Read online

  We both tasted my tears, the salty warmth seeping onto our tongues and sealing our unity as Flick moaned softly against me, his kiss heating and his hold strengthening as he moved me back until I was laid on the bed beneath him.

  The weight of his hard body over me destroyed all the fear. I moaned with need, slipping my legs open and wrapping them around him to draw him closer. Every inch of him engulfed me, the sensations he brought out in me new and foreign. Never had I needed a man like I did right then. My whole essence was vibrating with need, my belly throbbing with a heat I’d never experienced before. My used and hardened body was suddenly inexperienced and raw, a new and untouched side of me fighting to climb out of the professional that lived boldly on the outside.

  “Flick,” I begged, unable to control the wanton woman that grabbed onto every sensation this man gave me. I didn’t know or understand what was happening. Every part of me was energised to a point of pain, my mind going crazy with the awareness that was overriding my sanity.

  Flick kissed along my jaw, his soft wet kisses making my back arch so I could press harder against him. My skin was on fire in the trail of his delicate caress, and when he drew his tongue down the centre of my throat, the choked cry that left me finally told him I was going crazy beneath him.

  His fingers fiddled with the strap of my dress and he slid it down my arm, uncovering a bare breast for his mouth. The room swam before me when his lips surrounded my nipple and he sucked the flesh into the heat of his mouth.

  “Fuck!” I hissed, unable to control what was happening to me. My fingers grabbed his hair, my hands needing something solid to hold on to.

  Men. I’d been beneath so many that I had lost count of them. But none, absolutely none, had ever made me feel so good, so desperate, so crazy. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, but I could do neither as a volley of sensations rolled over me, taking away everything that had come before. I wanted to die beneath him. I wanted to give him my last breath, grant him the final beat of my heart. It was his for the taking. My soul, my heart, my past, and my future. It was all his. Just like it always had been.

  He was so gentle, so loving, his touch the softest most amazing caress that had ever touched my skin. His mouth moved across the centre of my chest, his tongue tasting me in his advance as he worshipped me. His idolisation left me breathless, his to manipulate as his fingers played softly over one breast as his mouth took advantage of the other.

  His straining erection pressed into my thigh and I reached down to cup him over his denim jeans. He grunted, pressing himself deeper into my touch. Flicking open the button and yanking at his zip, I forced my hand inside, the heat of his velvety skin causing me to gasp when my palm slid over his hard cock.

  “Jesus Christ, Dove,” he breathed against my skin when I stroked down hard, pulling at his foreskin and making him throb in my hand.

  His mouth found mine again, another groan of pleasure making me take him harder and stretch down to feel the smooth skin of his balls.

  “I can’t…” he muttered against me.

  I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want it to stop. I needed him to make me, for the first time ever, feel good. “Show me,” I pleaded, securing his gaze with the depth of my need. “Please.”

  He frowned, his gentle gaze questioning.

  I gulped, suddenly feeling stupid, and turned away from him, but he grabbed my chin and turned my face back to his. The recognition in his eyes made my vision blur.

  “You want me to show you how to love.”

  Heat spread over my cheeks, yet I nodded. He understood me, as he always had.

  “Oh God,” he choked out. Sadness consumed him. His own eyes filled with dampness before he blinked it back. Rearing onto his knees, he pulled me with him, bringing my chest to his. His hand moved behind me and slowly he slid down the zip of my dress, then when I lifted my arms, he slipped the material up and over, exposing my nakedness for his eyes. The room was still dark but Flick didn’t need light to see me, the real me. We were engrained in each other’s minds forever.

  His eyes hooked mine when he lifted his shirt over his head. My gaze lowered and when I caught the magnificence of his body, a soft growl rumbled up my throat. My eyes widened at the sound of it, but the biggest grin covered Flick’s face.

  Manoeuvring himself, he pulled off his jeans and shorts then sat silent before me. We stared for what seemed like an age, both of us lit by the soft light, the only sound in the room was our breaths as our fingers touched softly, gently, and eagerly. Something tickled the air around us, and if it didn’t sound impossible, I would have sworn it was love. Thick, heavy, undying love. A love that had been carried for so long it had fermented into the most intense devotion ever felt.

  Then, very delicately, Flick lifted me, positioned me over him, and slowly lowered me onto him.

  Rapture filtered into every nerve ending in my body. My mouth fell open as I strived to breathe. My skin burst with awareness as a sheen of perspiration broke out. My bones tingled with a delicate bliss. And my mind broke.

  A heartbroken cry, one that had been cursed to live deep within me for so long, finally broke free. All the heartache, the pain, the longing, and the agony burst from me in wave after wave of pleasure filled cries. The world swayed as sensuality overwhelmed my soul and a man I had loved for so long loved me in return.

  Flick didn’t just idolise me, he worshipped every fragment of my soul. He gave me so much pleasure that I thought my mind and body would part and never come back together again.

  We moved together like we’d rehearsed the dance for the past ten years, our bodies moving together in perfect symmetry as we loved and cherished, our eyes locked, never once wavering.

  His mouth fell open as pleasure built and we ground faster and harder, the slight dusting of his chest hair making my nipples tingle with delight. His hands moved over my skin like he needed to feel every section of me. His kisses became hard and fevered as our erotic groans grew higher and higher.

  My whole system was running on a surge of sensation that I knew would break me when the wave of bliss hit. The throb inside me was becoming torturous and I clung to Flick, moving on him harder as I fought for my first ever orgasm.

  And then, when it hit, it brought with it an almighty pain that I couldn’t hide from. Life. I cried out his name in reverence, I sobbed for everything we’d lost, for everything to come. I screamed for what I had done to this beautiful man. The agony of my life incinerated the remains of my blackened heart when Flick leaned into my ear and whispered, “I love you Dove Holland. I’ve always loved you. And I always will.”

  And then he followed me over into hell. His climax was as full of grief as mine. The guilt in each of us was too real to run from and as we clung to each other, our joined orgasms the foundation our souls needed to mend with, to heal and move forward, I knew without a doubt that I had to fight harder than ever before.

  I’d always fought for Ren, to keep her safe. Yet now, now came the toughest test ever.

  It was time to stop running. It was time to accept that I deserved to be loved.

  It was time to finally tempt the end, and give Viktor what he wanted.

  Me.

  HER SMILE WAS radiant, her beauty only lit by the faint glow of a lamp she’d flicked on. I couldn’t stop staring at her and touching her, my fingers magnetised to caress the softness of her skin. She was naked beside me on the bed, her face now devoid of make-up, and for the first time since meeting her again, everything about her was open and naked to me.

  Her cheeks were spotted with an array of freckles, her skin slightly broken with a few veins. A tiny scar ran just under her left eye and she had faint dark circles under both eyes. But she had never looked more beautiful than she did right then. She was bare, and very broken, but absolutely perfect.

  “What are you thinking?” she asked quietly when she caught my faint frown.

  “Marcus.”

  She smiled, nodding. “I wondered
if you’d caught that part of the story.”

  Every part of her story was already engrained on my mind – and heart. “Why did Marcus help you kill Felix?”

  She uncurled her legs and pushed herself to sit up. Taking the cup of tea I’d made her, she took a sip and sighed. “Marcus works for a company that ‘hires’ its men out to special establishments.”

  “Special establishments?”

  “Mmm.” She pursed her lips, a sly smile on her face. Then lowering her voice as though top secret, she whispered, “MI5, MI6, government secret syndicates. Etcetera.”

  “Holy shit.”

  “He had been working undercover for the MI5, trying to gain intelligence on Viktor and his business associates. He had a thing for Ren. Nothing sexual, but they were really close. When Felix hurt her, he couldn’t sit back and take anymore.” She sighed loudly. “So he helped me.”

  She wouldn’t look at me and something prickled at the back of my brain. “So he just gave up two years of undercover work to help you? I would imagine his boss wouldn’t just sit back and allow that. Especially after managing to dig his way so deep into Viktor’s circle.”

  She shifted off the bed quickly but I reached out and caught her wrist. “Dove, what’s going on?”

  “Nothing’s going on, Flick. Marcus helped me kill Felix then helped me and Ren get away.” She answered me too quickly and her flat tone alerted me to her lie. “I have work to do.”

  Every part of me froze. She flinched when my fingers tightened on her. “What do you mean you have work to do?”

  She frowned and turned to look at me over her shoulder. “I have to get ready for work.”

  We both stared at each other for a moment that seemed to suck the air right out of the room and leave us both struggling. Something invisible sat on my chest causing my lungs to wheeze. At first the words wouldn’t come out and my mouth popped open and shut numerous times before they flew out in a screech. “After what just happened you’re still going to screw other men?”

  Her face paled and she blinked, lowering her eyes to the floor. “It’s my job, Flick.”

  “Like fuck it’s your job, Dove!” My mind was pushing unwanted images into my head and I shot off the bed, trying in vain to blank them out. “We just shared something… something I can’t ever explain. I just told you I love you, damn it!” My voice was rising higher and higher. “And you’re like, ‘Okay, that’s nice. Excuse me while I go out and fuck someone else for a few quid!’”

  She stiffened, her face hardening into a glare. “It’s not like that! You don’t understand.”

  “It’s exactly like that!” Anger turned my hurt into heated words. “It’s just like Marcus said. After all, he knows you better than I do, obviously. What was it he said? Oh yeah, ‘You fuck men! And you’re just too caught up in the life to stop - fucking - men!’ You fucking love it, don’t you? You love all their dicks! All their fucking – hard – dicks!”

  Her hand shot across my face but I could read the guilt in her eyes. “I told you this is me, Flick. I told you! But just like when we were kids, you never fucking listen to anyone!”

  “We were kids! What was I supposed to do?”

  “You were supposed to believe in me!” she screamed, the accusation in her eyes making my breath still. “You were my friend. My only friend.”

  Tears filled her eyes and the guilt inside me once again reared its ugly head, pressing my ribs against the beat of my heart. Blame pierced my soul and I hated that cowardice made me turn and walk away before the words left her mouth.

  I left her staring after me, the sound of her sobs seeping into my soul and crushing it as the click of the door closing behind me also shut out the happiness that had overtaken me not an hour before, when our souls had once again danced together.

  Yet, just like before, I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t protect her. And that’s what hurt me the most. Not her job, not her secrets, and not the life she had led. It was the fact that I had failed her every damn fucking step of the way that hurt the most.

  We’d never spoken of it. It was too hard for both of us. As much as I knew we needed to, I knew that it would kill both of us when it was finally liberated. I wasn’t sure that I could cope with the agony it would bring when we finally faced up to it.

  He had paid for what he had done. Dove didn’t know that. But I knew he had never paid enough. And the fact that it hadn’t been me who had taken vengeance brought fresh waves of hatred to roll over me.

  I also knew what he did was the reason she had walked away all those years ago. I couldn’t protect her then, and she knew I would never be able to protect her. I had failed her in every way. And because of that, life had been cruel to her. No wonder she hated me. I was the coward he had always said I was.

  I blew out an angry breath when my phone rang and Jess’ name scrolled across my screen. “Oh, for fuck’s sake!”

  “Flick,” she whispered. “I need you. Please.”

  “I’m coming, Jess. Hang in there.”

  God hated me.

  Dove hated me.

  Jen hated me.

  Fuck, I joined them all. I hated me.

  THE LOOK ON Heather’s face said it all, but the part of me that agreed with her didn’t look. I shrugged and blew out a breath. “It’s not that easy, Heather. He won’t ever understand that.”

  She scoffed, looking at me over the rim of her cup, the steam from her hot coffee distorting the cautioning look in her eyes. “It’s only as simple as we make it, Dove.”

  “Oh, come on. Life is never that easy.”

  Hugo, her fluffy white cat, jumped onto her knee and butted her chin until she scratched behind his ear and settled him down. A long sigh left her. “Dove. I’m your friend and I know why you do this, and trust me, I do understand. But Flick, he’s been your friend since you were both kids and you’re both stuck between that time and now. You both think you can just step right back in where you left it when you walked away.” I looked away again, not wanting to see or hear her honesty. “But you can’t. You’re both different people now. You’ve both had shit thrown at you that has changed who you are!”

  The lump in my throat grew, because when all was said and done, I knew exactly what I had to do. But I was a selfish person. I wanted what I had always wanted. But I also knew it was impossible. And that hurt.

  I nodded and spoke around the restriction in my throat. “When I saw Flick stood there, I felt every part of me come back to life, Heather.” She nodded in understanding. “When I walked away all those years ago, I left something behind. With him. And I swear I literally felt it slam back inside me when I saw him again for the first time.”

  Heather smiled sadly. “Your soul, Dove.”

  “No.” I bit my lower lip and shook my head. “Pain.”

  She looked shocked for a moment, her head tipping to the side slightly as her face paled. “I don’t understand.”

  “Neither did I at the time. And I think it’s taken me ten years to realise it. Pain makes you feel, Heather. It hurts, it punches you in the gut, it makes your heart physically ache. It takes your emotions, and it makes you feel. I became numb when I left. Numb to the world, numb to my feelings. Numb to pain. I haven’t felt for such a long time. I wasn’t even sure if blood actually flowed through my veins anymore.” My gaze moved out of the window, the pain of recognition making my chest ache. “And then there he was. Something inside finally snapped. Emotions, feelings, guilt, sorrow, and even fucking happiness. They all came back at once. And now there’s all this pain swirling around inside me, threatening to destroy every single fucking day I’ve managed to survive.”

  Heather reached across the table and took my hand. “There’s nothing wrong in feeling, Dove.”

  “It’s dangerous, Heather. For both of us. I can’t and I won’t drag him into the void that’s my life. I’ve loved him for too long to break him.”

  She leaned back in her chair, her eyes full of a truth I wouldn’t sa
nction. “Do you ever get tired of fighting, Dove?”

  I smiled, pushing my chair back and standing up. “When I get tired, that’s when it all ends.”

  I kissed her head, and she nodded. Just as I closed the door, I heard her say, “Then it’s time to end it.”

  Sitting in the chair, watching David kiss up the length of Marcy’s leg, tears suddenly blurred my vision. It was like something foreign had taken over and I couldn’t control anything inside me. Emotions and thoughts, they were all racing, all jumbled and threatening to take me down with them.

  Blowing out a breath, I padlocked my feelings into the little box, and made myself concentrate on my clients. Marcy looked at me over her husband’s shoulder, his mouth now at her breast, but I couldn’t see her properly. The room was swimming, the air and the objects around me threatening to suffocate me. Panic squeezed at my lungs and beat at my head.

  What the fuck was happening to me? My head was going to explode, my heart wouldn’t beat properly, and something agonisingly hot inside me was bursting to free itself.

  David crouched before me, his gentle face full of concern and fear as he softly wrapped his fingers around my ice cold ones. “Dove, honey?”

  My chest heaved and I shook my head. “I can’t…”

  “You can’t breathe?” he asked, fright making his face paler than usual.

  “She can’t do this anymore,” Marcy whispered from behind him.

  Both of us slowly looked towards her. Her knowing expression was soft and her smile was even softer. “Go,” she said quietly. “Go get him.”

  “I… it’s not…”

  “Yes, Dove,” she stated with a firm nod of her head. “Yes it is. Answer me one question.”

  I stared up at her, unable to move.

  “Whose heart is more important? Yours or his?”